You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
Trying to guess which perfume the stripper was wearing based on my bf's clothes
All I need is the Internet and a place to drink.
and PS, please don't fuck in the corn maze, k?
Tomorrow's thirsty thursday is now sponsored by the three time champion, chemisty failure. celebration starts asap.
I would have screamed and cried and bled and shit and then died. Fuck that guy.
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
She deleted me on Facebook. I think it's safe to say that she knows I fucked him now.
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
Randomize
