i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
I inadvertently smoked 6 blunts at one time. We just kept passing them around...I didn't know what happened until it was over. I can't walk.
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
I can't believe I came last night staring into my profile pictures eyes.
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
Jello shots and homoerotic movie scenes bingo?
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
Randomize
