the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
I don't have the urge to be a home-wrecker with these two. I think I've grown, don't you?
Tonight will bring shame to my future grandchildren.
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
Knowing that he goes to voodoo every Thursday really makes me want to get myself checked.
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
You throw up behind 1 mannequin and it's world war 3 in forever 21
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
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