see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
easter eggs filled with ecstasy. it's what jesus would do.
Awww, you two will make beautiful abortions together...
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
I mean, once you help another girl drunker than you zip her jeans you can't help but be friends after that
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
Randomize
