This girl looks like a mixture of kathy griffin and bill walton. i havent decided if that is a good thing.
I'm actually agreeing with glenn beck. What the FUCK was in that margarita?!
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
I call BS on that! THAT WAS TOTALLY AN INTERCEPTION. JENNINGS HAD THAT.
PEOPLE ARE FLIPPING FURNITURE HERE. IN THE ROOM ABOVE ME. I HEARD SOMEONE WOOKIE CALL IN ANGER FROM SOMEWHERE IN THIS BUILDING.
I'd be lying if I said I wasn't scared, even a little.
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
She's like the sister I never had that I want to bang.
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
Randomize
