How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
My mom just told me that after i turned eight i stopped growing mentally and emotionally
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
Houston, we have a blender
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
You told me you had two boobs that want to be naked for me. I'm just following up on your request.
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
I don't know..He walked out of your room with a kraft single..and blood on his shirt...He really wanted cheese.
Randomize
