Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
It'll be like a meth lab. But with jello.
he knocked a glass of water onto my bed and then said that he should get to sleep on the dry side because he was "a guest"
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
Fucked a kid by the name of your hometown tonight... FOR THE WIN.. BF4L
It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
And now you know why we call him Three-Balls Brad
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
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