I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
Crying babies in a bar. Really?
And she just changed the baby's diaper on the table. It's killing the beer garden.
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
I was actually high enough at that point that I was just casually following your glowing footsteps like in Avatar while we ran from the cops.
This morning is cloudy with a high chance of vomiting all over the dentist. Stay tuned for further updates.
What a dumb baby whore.
It's really sad that I'm trying to calculate in my head the type of place to have dinner that's worth anal
He always finds the good stuff. He's like a truffle pig for bud.
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
I know what I want to do this Friday. However, it might end in me getting kicked out of an arcade and a mini golf course.
no real plans this weekend. trying to derail the alcohol induced fucking hell train I've been riding for the past three weeks.
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
QUICK FAX ME THE BALL
Not how faxing works at all btw
Randomize
