barbara walters just said penis...
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
My summer fucks are coming back to haunt me with a vengeance.
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
Carpeing THE FUCK out of that diem
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
As long as you keep bringing fries home, i'll keep being naked when you get home
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
I feel like I had a successful night. I flashed the guy at the liquor store last night for 2 free tshirts and a giant redbull.
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
Randomize
