Her parties are sponsored by Valtrex. This might not be your best idea.
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
I knew it was different as soon as you told me you slept with him and didn't tell me about his dick
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating
Crappy Mother's Day to you! Those of us who don't have children fill the void with hot sex, sleeping in, more sex, leisurely suntanning, foreign travel, overseas sex, paying cash for sports cars, watching TV, having sex on the floor in front of TV porn, lounging around the house, or whatever the hell we want.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
You're the only person I know who would go to New Jersey to give a blowjob and I have so much respect for you for it
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
My head is bruised from having sex in the backseat of an explorer last night.
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
Randomize
