I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
The house across the street caught on fire today, Drunk people high centered their car tonight. Looking out my front window I get to watch police chases all the time. I am going to miss this place.
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
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