come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
All I know is I had a penis in one hand a bottle of wine in the other
Thru out the entire phone conversation I went from thinking: he's making a gay come-on, to he's trying to sell me drugs, before realizing he was offering me a job with an internet company. Things are gonna be awkward in class this week.
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
He claimed he was the best ass eater of the south. He was right.
I can't wait to get to LA so I can punch her in the face
So I heard her yell at him and I went downstairs to find he had lit up each one of my smokes and taken just one drag off each and had em lined up on the table. She says he "experiments" when on Ambien.
He bent me in ways I couldn't imagine.. and im a gymnast.
Tell me that I didn't just get ash in my Russian and just mix it TF in bc who cares and life has no meaning.
Randomize
