How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
Its official, cigarettes are now more expensive than weed
I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
she tried giving me head in the pool. it was more entertaining than pleasurable
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
Also, I pretty much need an IV of fluids straight to my soul
Girl in my public speaking class just gave a speech on weaves, God I love community college
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