Why can't I find a man that likes bush instead of a vagina that looks like it belongs to a prepubescent child!
Because men are children
Touche
EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
I woke up to his little sister feeling me up. I guess it's time to meet the family.
He's still filling me in on the details. mid-table dance i asked to go water skiing?
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
Honestly I'm so excited to go to bed I feel as if I don't deserve to be in my early twenties.
And think got sick again from going outside naked. Word to all females...don't try the naked trench coat thing.
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
Randomize
