I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
Don't fret. That vag would have consumed a lesser man.
What's your middle initial? I need it for the census. I put us down as "unmarried partners."
Oh my god... you're gay. Ps, its A.
No no. According to the 2010 US Census, we're gay.
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
I have full custody of my vagina however you are granted visiting hours
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
I cuddled with a man named Pickles
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
Come on in. I'm butt naked, in the kitchen, eating ice pops
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
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