I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
The goblet must only be used for good. And vodka. And anything t-pain would be proud of.
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
he's drinking beer at home in his underwear tonight and if you want to come over the dresscode is underwear only. And you have to bring beer.
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
Best part? I know that the likelyhood of this turning into an intimate relationship is like 4.25%
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
I vaguely remember us chasing shots by licking each other's faces last night. Our friendship has reached another level completely.
haha all our friends are at the carnival and I'm on stage dry humping a 40 year old
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
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