Like worst hickies ever he always gives them like wtf
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
A surprise thumb up the ass and I'm wide awake. She was right, no need for caffine pills I could fight ninjas now.
Do you think it's wrong for me to hop on that dick before he realizes that he's gay?
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
Randomize
