four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
im in Michaels with rachel and i see a little boy jumping around and waving a rainbow pompom. Welcome to our team little one
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
nothing like walking down the street with a garbage bag of puke trying to find a dumpster
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
Dude she pregamed for her sorority's philanthropy.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
I'm just gonna go with where the wind takes me. if it takes me to his dick, so be it.
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
Hurry up I'm getting mooned by a hobo
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
Randomize
