shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
If i see another girl turn you down you should either turn gay or just kill yourself
I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
You want to move to a city because of their promotional beer pricing
So?
This is why you shouldn't make decisions
Homegirl just dropped a candle on the floor major party foul. Thought it make you feel better.
Only thing I know is apparently I danced with a bouncer and we got a ride back from a valet who was driving one of the cars he was supposed to be parking
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
I just fell out of my doorway to go to class so if that doesn't describe how my night went idk what will
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
I used an explanation of Walking Marriages in the Mosuo Culture to successfully negotiate an open relationship. That Anthropology degree is finally starting to pay off.
Nice girl until she takes off the fake human suit and shows you the flesh eating demon she truly is
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
Randomize
