We should go out drinking together soon
I'm still not going to have sex with you
Did your girl go home? Did she have fun? Can we have our friend back?
oh well at that point I was already depressed with life because I had watched the bratz movie.
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
Her boobs take up a lot of room so God had to skimp on the brains
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
We're sitting in the bathtub, eating pizza, doing shots of vvodka and comparing nipples. I havfe never been so comfortable in my life.
Family trip though. I generally don't wheel too much ass with the fam in tow. Despite the fact my parents would be pleased if I did.
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
Already drunk, almost got in a fight with a bunch of irish chicks. And another with canadians. On my way to get a tattoo. I plan to regret this trip.
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
Randomize
