i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
That night just went downhill after you pissed yourself while sitting on my lap
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
And on a positive note i found a list that i made in 3rd grade titled "what to do if you want a guy to like you"
Yes please. My parents would fucking love him and I'd love fucking him. That's a win-win if I've ever seen one.
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