Cold hands, warm shart.
so, not only did she give him head while i was asleep next to them, apparently, it was bad head...
Are you serious?
yeah... as often as she does that, you'd think she'd be good at it...
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
I woke up at 6 and was laying at the top of my stairs.
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
I can't decide if I miss drinking or you, they are so closely connected.
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
Randomize
