she was mad because i didn't remember our fuckaversary. fuck buddies are getting too demanding..
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
Check the mailbox while you're out!
I already looked this morning. You go check and see what you won on Ebay after your day drinking spree.
Pizza and koolaid didn't even make me feel better. This hangover means business
He just compared our sex to a grand slam on Wii fitness
You're doing it right
Seriously, he's as bad as Joffrey. I hope this ends like Game Of Thrones did.
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
Randomize
