Joey just asked me if I ever got anything stuck in my vag.
was it embarrassing when you had to say yes?
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
We were going to play manhunt in a strip club, calling it mancunt.
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
Randomize
