Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
there's just a random girl here singing about how much she loves fiber
Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
Im rolling a blunt of encouragement for you to return to
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
You can't just leave with hair like that
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
I promised her before I left that I'd make good choices and then got drunk and fucked my best friend and her boyfriend.
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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