I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
the drag queen on stage looks like shes wearing the EXACT same dress i wore 2 senior prom.
suddenly SuperBad didn't seem so funny anymore...she did have her period on my leg.
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
I HAD TO PAY A COVER FOR THE FIRST TIME LAST NIGHT. My tits didn't get me in and I was so pissed.
go for it girl, the world is ur dick oyster
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
Randomize
