I can already tell this is gonna be one of those parties where we sit across the room and text about people.
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
you took a potato out of your pocket and just started eating it raw. don't know where the potato came from though
21st birthday = success
Just got outta the drunk tank! Happy 21st birthday!
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
I really have a thing for Greek chicks; I feel like while we are having sex she has the ability to make hummus which is just too appealing for me to pass up.
When he swipes my v card it will be comparable to my bat mitzvah. should I make sweatshirts or sweatpants?
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
Randomize
