I dont like him- his parents were home and he hid me in his closet like anne frank
You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
Were not really friends so much as I suck his dick a lot
I shagged another guy with one ball last night. Are there really that many dudes with one nut in la or am I just a magnet for prostetic testes?
today is monday, i feel like we should do something illegal
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
I love him. He's like the father I never had that I kind of want to fuck.
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
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