I'm gunna smoke cigs today. I feel like I'm in that powerful and gritty mood which requires them
We just took shots out of seashells. Welcome spring break 10.
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
That would be a dream come true. Seriously, he's like my mount everest, my life's ambition is to climb him.
i was giving head the other day and thought of your all penis tastes the same quote and couldnt stop laughing
There were grown college boys running around north campus in capes with nerf guns. If security were to be called I think they would just give them more beer.
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
Randomize
