Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
i crushed up some extenze and put them in his protein powder - should make for an interesting gym experience
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
Please call us Steph is okay but missing phone wallet tooth
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
I'm going to have to go for it. It's like Mt. Everest. It's large and unpredictable but I live for adventure and it's worth never coming back from. Mt. BigDick.
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
Randomize
