Say my name once during sex just to fuck with her. Like when it gets rough.
Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
why do all canadians talk like horny gerbils are stuck in their throats?
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
Church boner. Awkwardddd
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
The fact that she put a frat guy in check tells me I did some good raising my little sister. Time to see if she does keg stands.
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
You in for a dick vacation?
YES, even though I have no idea what that means
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
I woke up alone, naked in her bed staring at a lifesize poster of edward cullen,actually I'm lying I did have socks on
Randomize
