textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
I kept calling him escargot instead of Estaban..I don't think that was the wisest choice.
seriously they are like going to hulk burst through. There are perks and downfalls to having big boobs
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
And then he said he wanted to "get really weird with me on my horse." I took that as he wants to fuck me while riding my horse. Could be a good time.
Things are coming back to me in chunks. I vaguely remember signing a shirt that said 'I enjoy vagina'
I AM SO PROUD OF YOU
we watched a porno and made a drinking game out of it. best first date ever.
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
I'm seriously scared right now. Woke up next to 3 geese and a lot of feathers ..
Randomize
