I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
I'm on page 4.
Im on beer infinity
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
we got cut off at 8 am. He spilled his drink three times on the plane. this should be one hell of a vegas trip
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
But for real, I had the best sex of my life on that bunk bed
I sense naked hashbrown eating in my near future.
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
i feel like if my pee,blood, or vomit is on it...it should belong to me by default. can we make that a rule?
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
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