you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.
Is this the acid talking?
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
She had a glow in the dark pastie on her forehead the last time I saw her. That should help you find her.
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
Did he hurt you? I have a crowbar I can beat his sorry ass with
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
Want to have dinner and we can talk about how my vagina can make you feel better?
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
