No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
So did the night end well for you?
I stole a traffic cone and drunk texted my sister because i couldn't think of any other girl to text
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
I'm almost too old to be on The Real World but feel like I'm too young to be on The Bachelor and I'm just really confused with my place in life.
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
Can we climb Your roof?
No bitch its 2am go home.
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
Randomize
