Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
he came within less than a minute of me blowing him. this was our second night hanging out in a row. for an almost 30 year old italian man, he is NOT living up to his country's reputation
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
I took his sheets with my when I left seeing that I underestimated my period. Also grabbed a 6-pack out of the fridge because breakfast is the most important meal of the day & I don't do other peoples laundry for free.
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
well i mean, we just followed them into an alien and astronaut party. there was tin foil everywhere
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
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