Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
the young, male pastor of my church has a jesus fish tramp-stamp. I made him show me.
Don't EVER smell your tampon
After we did it I noticed she was wearing the same underwear as last night.
That's why you don't sleep with the same girl two nights in a row man!
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
I pretty much landed into this relationship penis first
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
God I miss you. I want to fuck your face... Then do all the girly cuddly shit too.
We just got busted fucking in the hammock by his roommate...I'm so out of here as soon as hes asleep....
Sharknado 3 is going to bring us to alcoghol poisonign
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
