Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
just woke up with a thong on my face, dont remember going home with anyone and its way too big for it to be a good thing
as we were driving back from the frat house he pulled down his pants and convinced me his penis "wanted some air"
talk of her extensive whoreness has crossed oceans. thats impressive.
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
I'm allowed to be upset. I've never had that many fingers in my ass
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
sleazy september. first one with mono loses.
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
multitasking: i'm now sitting up and smoking my joint.
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
Randomize
