I can't get out of the parking garage so now I'm staying downtown....Typical
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
I dont know what we smoked last night but I woke up and found out I started writing a book called White Trash Princess. Its the best thing Ive ever read
He wanted me to blow him while he did curls and looked at himself in the mirror. Not sure if gay or ego maniac.
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
That's what he gets for shittin at the strip club. Who does that??
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
I just plagiarized Dr. Curtis Connor's ideology from Spider-man in an essay on genetically engineered embryos. College: academic integrity at its finest.
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
Randomize
