I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
Yeah play it cool maybe put in a kissy face though let him know you're giving an invitation for his dick
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
ARE YOU OKAY?
Physically? Yes. Morally? No.
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
U dont jog and buy condoms n bulk
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
Randomize
