If you borrow your friends real doll, should you wear a condom?
just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
had to check his id this morning to remember his name.... i was wayy off
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
This place smells like bottom shelf liquor and broken dreams
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
I kinda feel like I was hit by a Prius. Just glad it's not bus status.
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
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