And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
and now there are teeth marks on my dick.
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
i think he saw me take a picture of his dick
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
I FOUND A VIBRATOR IN MY BABY BROTHERS ROOM. IM FREAKIN OUT MAN ITS BIGGER THEN MINE
put it back and chill out ok
NO FUCK HES 15 WHO EVEN SOLD HIM THAT HES A BABY
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
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