My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
You watched "From Justin to Kelly" and sang along to more than half of the songs. I didn't know whether to laugh or to be insanely frightened that you knew almost all the lyrics.
He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
omg. MEgabus. stoned.
Theres these two guys talking.
announcing that you were the mayor of bjtown got their attention.
there's a strong possibility i came on your eyeliner last night bathroom sex was unplanned and rather messy sorry
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
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