I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
We left at the same time. You got home three hours after I did and said you got your head stuck in a fence. I can't believe you don't remember this.
bleeding from the face, sitting in a shopping cart and holding a wad of ripped caution tape. what else would i be doing?
He told me I was 100% better then porn then passed out nto the cake
We should have a bouncer at the top of our stairs asking the guys we bring home for ID...
I got kicked out of the hotel after wandering into the banquet kitchen at 2am trying to find the shrimp....so we're power napping in the car and then driving to madison.
I think that's the first time Navy dress blues and a Ninja Turtles onesie have been involved in the same makeout.
There is an alarming amount of urine in here.
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
Good, I've got all this booze. It's intimidating to be in the room alone with it..
i know were having a "heart to heart" right now, but does it make you feel uncomfortable that im sexting someone right now?
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