I havnt had this much beer since i losodt my virginity. thank. god.
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
He plays guitar, sings like an angel, and acts like a gentleman. If I don't fuck him by the end of first semester, I'm dropping out
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
just because he was passed out beside the toilet, didn't give you tge right to pee on him
my aim is off when im drunk
Randomize
