That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
I bet they all look and smell like Amy Winehouse
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
I'm wearing fairy wings and I broke my wizard staff. If this isn't the most happy but sad moment of my life , I don't know what is.
Just watched a girl lose her dignity at the corner...it's not even midnight
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
You ruined the universe
Randomize
