I want 2 things right now, you or a cig
cig
Apparently at one point I was wearing my sweatshirt backwards like it was normal and then I threw up into the hood. Never drinking again.
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
There's a show on the Discovery Channel about T-Rex sex. I think this just made my life.
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
Really uncomfortable with the level of eskimo brotherhood at this family reunion
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
See, this is why we give you shit. Ashley gets her car cleaned out, I get multiple enchiladas made, and you get cum in your eye.
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
Clothing is a burden necessitated by propriety.
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
Randomize
