I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
And my fence, why is part of it on the roof?
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
I'm really tired of your booty call eating my fruity pebbles.
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
My mom just found my nipple clamps...... oh God why....
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
i just had diarrhea that people from the 1930's would have died from
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
Randomize
