I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
Good thing you left when you did - ended up getting banned from jimmy johns.
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
I started drinking at around 8.. Started heavily drinking around 815.
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
As long as I don't spend the half the week passed out/fucked up on Klonopin and no one dies, this will be the best week I've had all semester.
So I am watching ghostbusters and I realized Rick moranis is basically in the friends zone than he turns into the key master bangs her and it leads to the end of the world...maybe there is a reason people are in the friend zone
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
Is she still on a quest to lick every stranger that enters the bar, or have the restraining orders reached critical mass?
Randomize
