Do you ever make guys send you dick pictures just cause it's hilarious?
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
Chapter 6 - how to lose your underwear in chicago
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
It's twenty thirteen and the rando and I bonded over the fact that we're both stil using flip phones. Of course I fucked him in the bathroom. It was the obvious thing to do.
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
I reek of vagina.. My cab driver commented.
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
Its official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
Randomize
