I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
They should really pass out barf bags in church
Just took a beer bong out of snuffaluffagus's trunk. Your move
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
Thanksgiving break drinking is a marathon, not a sprint, and i need to be well rested
He told me he's not in to anal. I need to marry him, ASAP.
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
At the light, his mom pulled up next to us while I was giving him road head. He forgot to tell me she was meeting us at the movie. So long story short, I convinced her I drove myself, pick me up in 20.
They have one of those claw machines here... with a dildo in it...
So what if is hockey, you don’t turn down sex with a professional athlete. They work out all day and have amazing stamina. Your vagina will thank you!
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